We can't take away the pain of your past. We can't deny the emptiness of your first 2 years. But we can fill up your heart to overflowing with our love so that someday it will be just the good things you remember. This Mom and Dad of yours will never leave your side and will go to the ends of the earth and back (literally) to give you all we have to give and more. These are the things I think about in quiet moments alone.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sometimes I Grieve
...just a little bit. I grieve the loss of your first 2 years, my daughter. I look through the scrapbook of photos I have of you from one month, 3 months, a year... all the way until now. It aches me that I couldn't hold you then. Couldn't coddle you and love you when you were a baby. Couldn't be there when you needed me most. I know that God has a plan and the plan was you were to be a toddler when you arrived into our lives. I have accepted this and on most days I am just so excited to be your Mom that it doesn't matter what we missed. It matters what we have now. How great it will be to have each other for the rest of our lives! But still, in quiet little moments - every now and then - I am sad for the baby that didn't know how much she was loved. That didn't get to have a Mom and Dad there to baby her and give her all that love and attention. And I get sad for me, too. And your Daddy. That we missed so many little moments. Your first steps. Your first words. Your first smile. It's been hard to watch you grow up from way over here. I didn't get to give you a bottle and rock you to sleep. But I sure will rock you to sleep when I finally see you, my dear. You are certainly still small enough to rest on my lap. And rock we shall.
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5 comments:
Oh Jen, this brought tears to my eyes! Just last night Brian and I were saying much the same thing to each other. We are so excited about meeting our little guy some day but it's so hard to know we are missing these months (years?) of his life.
I think we need to have another nice long chat. I'll try to call you back today!
Ohh, Jen. Some day Ruby will read and reread these words and they will be a comfort to her. I think about those "lost" moments and memories too. And how it sometimes feels like a vast emptiness.
How I wish I could give those back to all of our babies. I think we will treasure the future even more and will seek harder to find out more about our children's past for their sake. I'm grateful for technology and the pictures and video to restore some of that history. Here's to a bright, bright future for you, Ruby and Jeff.
You have given your daughter a gift that many parents don't give, the gift of tangible words to explain how you feel about her. Sometimes we get so busy we forgot those things. I like to think that while adoptive parents wait for referral and travel it is like the gestation period. A time that forces us to reflect. What I have found is that for all the "firsts" that we missed there are other firsts that you will have with Ruby. Everything she does when she is with you those first couple of months will be your firsts, and they will be no different than if you were to be able to see her take her first step. You will see her take her first step with you. You will see her hold her daddy's hand for the first time. You will see her first smile at you. You will hear her first giggle. You will experience her first hug and cry and shriek, you will celebrate her first poop -it will all be yours and Jeff's first and it will be so so special. And then there will be so many other firsts that come later in life. First boo-boo, first taste of ice cream, first taste of momma's cooking, first back talk, first ride on a train... the list goes on and on and on. It will happen and you will be caught in that whirlwind of love and laughter and tears and one day you'll find yourself where I have been finding myself these last couple of days -sorting through the things M's grown out of. Sifting and sniffing, and clutching onto the smallness of it one last time because she's now the next size up and wondering how did we get here so quickly when it seemed that last I remembered I was writing letters just like you?
You will get to experience it all soon.
xo, C
I can totally relate... and so can every adoptive parent and adoptive child. It just STINKS! The good news is that you're able to see the good... to look forward to your future together, and that is going to help Ruby to see the positives as she learns to deal with her losses.
You're a wonderful mommy already!
Love,
e
So well said, Jen. Such sweet words and a treasure to share with Ruby some day. It is difficult but as you said, it is God's plan, we just don't know why. Thank you for sharing.
Blessings~
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