I started this post in early December. A catch up post that I never caught-up with! Here are some reflections from last month and some adoption related concerns. Would love to hear from you all out there on the latter.
She's growing so fast. What a strange feeling of pride and sentiment. So proud of what she is learning and doing and yet hate how fast it's going. Tonight I played my lullaby CD for her. It was the 1st time in a long while. But, hey, not THAT long ago, I thought. Wasn't it just yesterday when she asked me to sing Butterfly Moon (the song I wrote for her)? It was her favorite of all the songs I sang to her. "Bu-MOON" she'd say. Tonight she seems to have no recollection. A little pang of sadness for the short "baby" time we had together and forgotten memory. But oh, MAN, how I love this girl. We have so much fun. The honeymoon hasn't ended. She is still my sweetie pie and the best part of my day, the best part of our life.
So many things to catch up on and some cute things to share. Will just bullet point a few of the highlights and random happenings around here since it's been so long.
* Today I cleaned the playroom. I mean REALLY cleaned the playroom. Rearranged, got in the corners, wiped down all the toys and toy boxes. Still in the organizing phase. Hope to finish taking all the doll toys and accessories upstairs and leave art and music stuff downstairs. Moving her easel out of my kitchen gave me great joy. Now if only we had a new home for that rarely used play kitchen. But, one step at a time. The rearrange had me finding all sorts of fun crafts and art supplies I forgot I had. Ruby came home from school and instead of asking for the TV, she asked for the Moon Sand I had laying out. Played with it for 2 HOURS! Yea! Hopefully, now that I have her toys and art stuff out and easy to find, she will have renewed interest in them.
* Went to Disneyland. Had a blast! What a place. I feel so grateful Jeff & I could take her this year. So much magic for her. The castle, the princesses, the rides, the Bippity Boppity Boutique make-over...it was precious. But there was something even more special that happened during our trip. We got to see Lily again. Ruby's 1st friend. The sweet girl that slept in the crib next to her in Nakhon Si Thammarat Home for Boys. It was so amazing to see the girls together, knowing where they came from and how long they had to wait for this joy. Especially Lily. So great to see how well she is doing and see her with such an amazing family. We just loved getting together with the Moeller's! Lily is doing so great and we are so so happy for them. The 2nd time we got together Ruby, Jeff, & I were in line for the Alladin Magic Carpet Ride. My friend Ellie handed Lily over to me so she could go on with Ruby. The two looked at each other, smiled, and held hands immediately. They stayed like that for the whole wait (maybe 20 mins or so). Hard to tell what they remember, but a bonding of sort was there. Pretty magical moment.
* I am singing 2-3 times a month now. Feels natural again and fun and really, really great! Enough to have music in my life again, but not so much that I'm away from Ruby much. Really a great balance for me. Of course, Rubes still doesn't like it. She's been good for Jeff or whoever's watching her (my mom or my friend Dawn once). But then has nightmares or trouble sleeping. Of course, sometimes that is when I am working or she knows I am going somewhere and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all. Has a little trouble with change and any of us being away from home. Even at Disney, she asked to sleep at home in her pink room by day 5. She likes to be home and that security of knowing what's coming next.
Been a bit of an exhausting week here with her up 3-5 times a night crying for me, until she finally crawls in bed and crashes with her mamma, clinging to me like a vine and reaching for me in a panic, should I budge. Poor thing. I wish I could just heal her scared heart and make her realize I will always be here. So hard to see her worried like that and sometimes crying with big sobbing tears. She often has dreams that she's alone or that I am not there. Poor thing. It's always the same theme: being alone. I know this will pass and she will feel more secure in time. Right now she just needs to be home a few weeks I think and back into our routine. We went to see relatives the week b4 Disney and again for Thanksgiving (a few days after we got back). It was wonderful, but a lot of time away for her.
* Tried no TV tonight, nice warm bath, and read books upstairs a lot earlier. Also denied her request for a "snack". Wondering if this is triggering the dreams (and she JUST ate a half hour b4 we came up) so I skipped it. She was out at 8:00pm so hopefully she will get a good night's rest tonight. Last night I think we both got a collective 4 hours. Not sure how either of us got through the day!
* A few weeks ago I asked her what she would ask Santa for this Christmas. Her reply?
"A purple doll, a genie, a blue cup for Daddy, a map, and a rope" LOL! "A map? And a rope???" I replied, quizzically. With arms out to the side in a grand "what" gesture -as if I was really clueless- she explained: "a map to read and rope for LASSO!!!!!" Ahhhh! Like Jesse in Toy Story. But she still ain't getting a rope. Oh, the things they come up with!
* Fast forward 2 weeks later and she met Santa. Was so in awe with the man she just smiled and cooed. When he asked what she wanted, this was her reply "ummmmmm" along with a shy smile and more awe inspired staring. SO cute! Was all giddy (and angelic) the rest of the day. I do think I may love that dear mall Santa. :-)
*Having fun doing holiday stuff with the little miss. Crafts, wrapping presents, decorating the tree. She is so into decorating with me this year. Such a good lil helper. Did one small tree all byherself in the dining room and I sware it's never looked so nice! Was SO proud of her self. We had such a great few days making the house all sparkly.
* Not sure if it's Santa, the elf, or she's just happy to be home, or all the fun of the season, but the lil bug has been extra special good lately. Following me around saying, "Yes, Mamma! Thank you, Mamma! I love you, Mamma!" Ha, ha whatever it is, I am liking it!
Well, fast forward to today (Jan 11th). As we got closer to (and through Christmas) Ruby was less and less interested in presents and more interested in just being with everyone. She liked everything but all this sweet girl said she really wanted was her family. Hearing her say that makes my heart both break and swell at the same time. We are still having restless sleep, but the nightmares have stopped for now. It got much worse b4 it got better. She's asking all sorts of questions. Questions I was prepared to answer, but didn't think would come up at such an early age. Watching Tangled at school got her all confused and made matters worse. (I talked to the teacher who was very understanding & took it off the shelf). Didn't affect her to see it last year (just went over her head) but now she is remembering things from her past and it really made her think this time. She wanted to know where her "real" family is and had nightmares and night terrors. Heartbreaking. After weeks of reassuring, looking at old photos and talking about her "story" she is feeling better I think. We talked at great length about Rapunzel and the mean witch that kidnapped her. How she is NOT being adopted and how different that story is from her life. We read some sweet adoption books and I think it helped her understanding a bit. But the battle is surely not over. She is such a deep thinker. Last week she mentioned a nanny from the orphanage. Never seemed to have any recollection b4 when we looked at the pics. She remembers what I fed her on the day we met and how she felt and is filling in gaps of the story. In some ways I am glad she can talk about it and share with me. In other ways, it breaks my heart that she still worries about being alone or that she won't have a family. We give her all the love and reassurance we can, but it's gonna take time. How I wish I could take all her fears away. For now I can just give her love and comfort her as best as I can. She is sleeping with me again. I'm not worried about her sleeping in her own bed right now. If it helps her to feel secure than I am glad to be there with her. The last 2 nights were restless but in the morning she said she had good dreams. Always about her family. Good or bad she is dreaming about her family. Almost every night she calls out "Mamma" and reaches her hand out to make sure I am still there 2-5 times a night. God bless her. I lay awake trying to think of ways to help her. We talk about having "happy thoughts" b4 bedtime. We play relaxing music and read happy books. I think it helps a little.
I am curious if anyone else had these questions at such an early age? Any tips or thoughts? Gonna go back and read the adoption books on the shelf and see if there is something I missed. It's definitely been better this week but I want to know all I can for the next time it comes up. Need to join the post-adoption group, too. I switched emails and have been off for awhile. Are any of you on it?
9 comments:
Lily was the question asker from the minute she could talk. She wasn't however worried of us leaving. Rosie doesn't ask questions but is terrified of me going anywhere....ANYWHERE.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Just talk to her about her fears. Soon she will have the "words" to put her fears into perspective but until then it is just scary for her.
You are amazing and doing everything right. Keep her routine in place as much as possible.
Sending hugs to your heart and Rubes'
Thank you!!! I needed to hear that today. The last part - not the 1st, of course! Ruby doesn't like me going anywhere either. She's ok with school but I have to be the one taking her and picking her up.
Thanks again for being a friend and always having a kind word or advice when I need it. :-)
Both my girls asked tons of questions as soon as they could get words out of their mouths. Three is not young at all to be asking these types of questions. In fact, I think three is the age at which many of them start coming up. Just keep doing what you're doing. She needs reassurance and that's what you're giving her. Be confident in your answers and she will know that she can always feel safe to ask any question she has.
Good job, mommy!
I had this big long response for you and then it got lost somewhere in cyberspace. At least now I can condense it!
Both my kids started asking heavy duty questions almost as soon as they could speak, but three seems to be the optimum age for the big questions to start coming up. It all very normal.
By being confident, assured and loving in your responses, you are giving Ruby exactly what she needs--confidence that you love her and that you will always be there no matter what questions she has to ask.
We gets lots of questions, too. Yes, it's sad that they worry about the permanence of their family, but I am so, so glad they feel comfortable talking about it with us.
What has helped a lot is their own personal life books. The books start with growing in their birth mamas' tummies (my youngest son used to say he was born on an airplane. eek!), then and being born and placed for adoption and living with their foster families, including all the pictures we have of their birth families and foster families, and then us in Thailand, then pics in their new home and some of the milestones they had here. Some days they bring them to me 4 or 5 times to read, and sometimes they sit on the shelf for a week.
The books help them have put words to their questions and fears, and I can tell they have a better understanding of adoption after we've read through them a lot.
That's awesome that she's sleeping with you when she needs to. I think that helps kids feel so much more secure. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job helping her process her feelings.
Robin
You are doing the right thing Jenn, she indeed just want the reassurance and she is getting it!!
Jasmine especially asked a lot and deep questions when she was younger... not now anymore, since she knows the answers and is fine with it.
My girls don't really have any remembrance of the time before, since it was only 3 months... at least they never mention anything. You never know. But asked me a lot about their Bmother, but as I said now they know the story and I give always the same answers so they feel secure in that.
Give her what you feel she needs, more sleepy nights with you, then do it. The routine is great, my girls love that too. And being home is their favorite even now... maybe even more so!!
She is one remarkable kid and you are both such doting and loving parents!!
Wow. What a great response. Thank you all so much for your comments and personal emails. It's comforting to know it's normal and we aren't alone. Thanks for the support and friendship!
Jen-
Neither of my girls have asked too many questions, although we do talk about their birthparents a lot, so maybe that has helped to answer a few of their questions.
Sophie has had MAJOR sleep issues since we came home from Thailand. She still isn't the best sleeper (and it is now over 7 years later) and often crawls in bed with Gracie. I think you're 100% correct in letting her sleep with you. Sophie slept with me for a loonnnggg time (at least she didn't snore like the hubs).
Just keep doing what you're doing. We've all been there. Hang in there!!!!
Our Than (just turned three) has a lot of questions too - it really helps that I made a book for him about our trip to Thailand, the orphanage and our first weeks together.
Often in the morning he curls up to me and asks: Can we talk about Thailand/how I became your son/the orphanage. And then we talk.
He speaks really well for his age so that helps, but from the beginning he has been quite the deep thinker, and also a worrier.
And sleeping is also a problem. Last spring he had what they call night terrors, didn't wake up but just screamed and screamed. And now it's the nightmares - most often he can't even tell what he dreams but if he can then it's about us disappearing, or being in an accident or something like that. It's heartbreaking.
I'm a real light sleeper and have had really big sleeping problems in the past so we don't let him sleep in our bed, but he has a mattress beside my bed and that's where he ends up most nights. And it helps - then he falls asleep with my finger in his hand...
Since before Christmas he has slept one (1) whole night. Both my husband and I are tired.
So for me it was a relief to read your entry - so many of the same issues! To give time and the space to talk about the issues, and try to make our kids more secure - what else can we do? Sounds like you're doing what you can to make her more secure.
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