I guess it happened for a reason. My bubble is now burst. The delusional state I have been in is gone. We aren't going this month or next. Reality: this could take awhile and I need to accept it. I'm the kind of person that has always moved and taken control of my life. To have my hands tied and not be in control is a foreign concept to me! We couldn't move to FL as planned. I told my auto show agent I couldn't take any jobs past March because I would be in Thailand so now I am not booked. I really thought I would be there by then. I can't take overseas gigs. Got offered another jazz gig (this time in Hanoi) that I turned down today. Just like I turned down the opportunity to go to Bangkok again (2 years ago), and Macau, China, and India, and Kuala Lampur, Malaysia. I was so sure I was going to be pregnant at that time that I turned them all down. It feels as if I have been living in stall mode for soooo long! Every single minute of the last few years are MORE than worth it to have our daughter. I know this will just be a hiccup when we look back on it. It's just getting through the wait and trying not to plan too far ahead. Because, really we can't right now. It's a challenge since I am a major planner.
But this I do know. There are plenty of things I CAN do that I haven't. Like go back to the gym, get in the studio and work some magic on some lullabies, finish my children's book and do some local gigs to keep my chops up and get involved with a local charity. And instead of expecting things to happen every month I need to let it go and just do what I can every single day. This is the way I have always tried to live -in the moment - but I haven't been doing that. I have been waiting for Ruby for my life to begin again. And as hard as it may be, I have to enjoy every minute of it right now. The last 6 months in particular I have been constantly up and down and it's time for me to whole-heartedly LET GO and just live my daily life. With appreciation for all we have now and all that is coming...whenever that may be.
So you may not see me post as often (okay, well I am going to TRY not to) and I may not be up on all of your blogs all the time. I am going to be too busy living instead of dreaming and shopping till 1am and driving myself crazy! :-) And of course, you KNOW that as soon as I plan a trip, book myself like crazy, and it would be highly inconvenient to cancel and rearrange everything...THAT will be when I get my referral! But that's okay. Bring it on! I work well under pressure. :-)
2 comments:
That's my girl... ending with a positive note!! Love that :-)
Life is funny, isn't it? We try to plan it so perfectly to fit our schedules and we have to realize that God is in control and we must rely on him and his plan for us. It is not easy and I have to remind myself of this daily. I think when you decide to have children or adopt, the wait for your children is the longest wait imaginable. We waited 5 1/2 months b/w our first trip to Russia and our second where most families where back within two months. The 5 1/2 months waiting seemed like ten years, but time has flown since we completed our adoption. I guess I'm saying as a mother we will always long for our children and the wait to bring them home is so hard, but you will forget (and possibly do it again). Hang in there and have some me time in the meantime!!
Thinking of you and looking forward to this time next year when Ruby is home and you are enjoying everyday life!
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