It's Like Peeing On A Stick

Forgive the title, but those of you that have jumped through infertility hoops and are now (im)patiently waiting through the adoption process...well, you know what I mean. Every month you have hope. The joy, the excitement, the giddiness, the shopping, the planning. Every month you are SURE that THIS IS THE MONTH. We are going to get our baby! We are going to get that referral! Your heart is swollen as much as you thought your breasts and belly were when you were SO darn sure you were pregnant. Every month. 

And like peeing on a stick, there is the crushing blow that follows. The day each month when you realize that, no, it's not happening for you again. Perhaps the next board meeting. Perhaps another month. It can only be just one more month, right?

The feeling is the same, except now it is more intensified. You have seen her face. You have seen her grow from one photo to the next (taken months and months apart). That is, if you are lucky enough to get an update at all. You know she is growing up while you are not there. You are missing her life. SHE is missing her life. You both are missing the love and the laughter and hugs and kisses and tickles. She turned 22 months yesterday...without us. Not being there for her first birthday was so sad. Will we miss her 2nd also? I'm starting to wonder. Where is that positive attitude I held on to so tightly? Of course, I know we will get her soon and make up for as much lost time as we can. But just like someone telling you to be patient and that it will happen at the right time...that just isn't always comforting.

On an up note, I am so grateful for the friends I have met on this journey. You all continue to lift me up and give support when I need it most. Whether it's a kind word on the comments page or a personal email or phone call, it means so much.  Thank you. We also deeply appreciate the parents that have gone over to Thailand and sent us pictures of our baby. It means more than you could ever imagine. We intend to do the same for other families, so if anyone knows someone adopting from Nakhon Si Thammarat, feel free to pass on my email. We will do our best to get photos and info for them while there.

In the meantime, I am going to go pull myself up, dust myself off, and start the roller coaster all over again. Going up anyone?