Reality

My baby needs her Momma. She needs us to be there. She needs to be held and loved. To be coddled when she is scared/tired/happy/sad/sick. Her crib is old. There is paint chipping off all over. Praying it's not lead paint. The walls behind the crib look dirty. It's the first part of the place I've seen that looks dirty and it is the room she sleeps in. The room is sparse. Clean floor, but tattered cribs and nothing to look at. At least it is light and airy and painted pink. There are no personal items in the cribs. The toys are kept up and the children had no real reaction to seeing them until someone made a fuss. She looks tired and has a runny nose. I am not there to wipe it. My heart is breaking as I pour over the new pics sent to me tonight. Not that I am not grateful. I truly am. She looks so sweet and it's amazing to have so many pictures of her. The kindness of this mom to spend time with the children, take pictures, and hold them and play with them...it is an incredible gift. 

But this Momma is emotional tonight. Working on my CD project and blog have been a good distraction - as was our family weekend. But this sad, nagging feeling has been lurking underneath the last few days. Been fighting it with all my might, but the pics just sent me over the edge and then burst the dam that has been building up. I think I get into denial mode at times. I see good news and say, "Well, of course, we are getting some too!" I see pics of my daughter in cute dresses (and obviously prepped for visitors) and I think "Oh, it's not that bad! She's okay. She is getting such great care! And look how clean it is!" Then I get pics that snap me back to reality. She is in an orphanage. It's not home. It may be (mostly) clean but it is not warm and fuzzy. The kids don't know how to play with a ball. How heartbreaking is that? The nannies do a good job with the necessities, but it is all they can do to get the kids through their daily routine. There is no time carved out for ball playing.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. For our daughter will not live this way for long. I pray the end of her wait is soon in sight. And ours. We still have no TWIMC letter and the USCIS BKK office still has not received our updated home study - even though the National Visa Center said they cabled it to them July 20th. I know these things will work out but tonight I am just sad. I am sad for my baby that needs a hug right now and the Mom that needs to give it so bad.