Ruby In Her Own Time

I have to spew here so please forgive the negative rant. I am so sick of comments on how to raise my kid! I don't mean the kind, helpful tips from seasoned parents - especially all of you that visit this blog. (I am NOT talking about blog comments). You all have been so helpful and kind. I'm talking about people that have no clue. No clue whatsoever what an adopted child's life looks like before coming home. They have no idea the hurts, the fears, the lack of love for a period of their life and and how that must feel. Now I can't claim to know exactly how that feels. But I do have an idea what it looks like and I know my kid. I know how she handles things. How she will react. Like when she is afraid she won't have the correct answer or doesn't know something, she will just avoid it altogether. Like how she is the chattiest person in the world when she is with us or close family and friends, but how she will clam up around strangers or those she is not so familiar with yet.

I went into her school yesterday for a little visit. I have days when I love her school and other days when I think she could be learning more. Let's put it this way: I love the school, the staff, the assistants, but not crazy about her teacher. Also wondering if she needs a more structured environment. We are considering putting her into the traditional pre-K (at the same school) next year instead of Montessori. While Ruby has this awesome, sweet, laid back personality...the flip side is that she can be a tad lazy at times and needs a little motivation. Not PUSHED, but motivated.  She's made leaps and bounds with her speech class and does well with the structured parts of her schooling.

Her school teacher told us early in the year that we could come in anytime to oversee a class so I decided to take her up on that this week. I liked most of what I saw, but I can still see Ruby is holding back a bit. (They had her working on a stick and box counting game where she is counting out pieces out from 0 to 9. Ruby counts into her 30's at home!) Now I know why she may be holding back. Three times - in front of Ruby - her teacher compared her to another student to me. "Varsha is a year younger than Ruby and looks what she is doing. She's amazing!" I wanted to breathe fire, but politely smiled instead. Another comment or 2 and then she actually scolded me for helping Ruby pick up some sticks she had dropped. "Don't help her! You need to let her do more herself! Varsha is the baby of the class and look how independent she is!" I wanted to lash out at her here, but held my tongue for a minute to think of how best to say it. She made one more remark and I said calmly, but firmly: "There is really no comparison here. Varsha didn't spend the first 2-1/2 years of her life in an orphanage. Not a fair comparison at all." Ruby stopped what she was doing and turned to look at me. I think it was more that she heard the tone of my voice I think. So hoping that wasn't awful to say in front of her. I don't want her to think of that as a crutch. Hopefully, she is young enough that it won't stay with her. When we got home I sat her down for a talk. I told her I didn't care what Varsha, Ava, Morgan, or any other kid in her class was doing. I care what RUBY is doing. I told her she didn't have to the best or the quickest or do everything the bigger kids are doing. She only had to try new things and always try to do her best and I was happy. She smiled. I told her Daddy & I were VERY proud of her and all she has learned. I pointed out how well she's been doing with her counting, her English, and her speech. She got it and beamed proudly. Then she bounced off the chair and was on to playing without a care in the world. While Mommy privately stewed a bit.

So back to the classroom...I couldn't help myself. I had to say SOMETHING. The teacher back-peddled after my comment and said, "oh yes, of course, and Ruby's doing so well, bla bla bla." I smiled at Ruby and told her she was doing a GREAT job as the teacher was then babbling about some 5 year old that doesn't know her alphabet yet. I don't give a whoot about what the other kids are doing! What kind of person - especially a TEACHER - compares children??? If I know one thing for certain about Rubes it's that when she feels insecure about something and doesn't think she is good at it she will shut down, avoid it, and/or not talk about it until she does. Praise and positive talk works with her and that's the way we run things at our house. I also know that she is a kid who takes it all in, misses nothing, and comprehends much. I will go along thinking she doesn't know a thing or a word and one day she will just blurt it all out and spew out this knowledge we never knew she had. It's her way of learning to observe first and then verbalize it. This may do her well in life verses her Momma who (usually) blurts out b4 thinking, haha.

Ruby's teacher really hit a nerve telling me how to parent. In fact, a few people have lately. Yes, I still hold her or pick her up sometimes. I let her sleep with me if she has a bad nightmare or I just stay in the room. (Although it's getting much better). She isn't as independent as I would like and yea, maybe it's partly because of all my coddling. But you know what? She is MY kid to raise and coddle as I see fit. She missed out on a lot of love those 1st years. Do they really need to be pushed to grow up so fast? Ok, in some ways yes but in other ways no. I want her to learn and grow but I also want her to do it in her own time. There is a sweet, sweet book my friend Ellie gave Ruby called "Ruby In Her Own Time" It's about a duck who doesn't hatch/eat/fly as quickly as her brothers and sisters. "Will she ever eat?" says Father Duck. "She will." says Mother Duck. "In her own time...and sure enough she did". Ruby the duck not only learns what the other ducks learn (at her own pace) but also spreads her wings and flies further and wider than all her siblings. I am tearing up thinking of this sweet book and how Ruby likes it. She loves the part where they say they'll call her Ruby cause she is small and precious. Ruby says "just like me!" :-)

Just had a great idea....maybe I'll send the book in with Ruby on Monday and tell Ruby to ask her teacher to read it. Hee hee hee. On another note, she is doing great with sleeping and still in her own bed! Hurray!